Now I lay me down to sleep

Normally I talk about my kared cats but I just couldn't pass up this opportunity. For a little background a few months ago a small spot was discovered on my right lung it appears to be some type of infection. After a round of superanitibiotics and antifungals I was scheduled for a "flexible Bronchoscopy" Here are my ravings (continue at your own risk...)

Well I have slept all the day away. I have been throughly traumatized and don't think I will ever recover.

1. arrived for my brochial scopey thingy well in advance

2. began to get nervious "vicki" I says to myself "vicki this is not going to go well." "Well shit I answers back why the hell you just telling me that now for it is too late to back out."

3. Tell the nurses I am a problem child and apoligized for that fact well in advance of the procedure. "Oh no no no they assured me I was not a problem child" but unfortunately I knew better.

4. IV goes in on the first try (miracles of miracles will wonders never sees) infact the iv went in so smoothly I bled all over the floor and bed. (sigh this is so not looking good)

5. OK you must wear this mask we do not know if you are contagious or not. (oh joy Ummm excuse me did I happen to mention I am claustrphobic can't stand anything over my nose and mouth especially) Well we are sorry but you have to wear it. (concentrate on breathing vicki in and out in and out in and out.

6. Ok now you must "smoke" our "peace pipe" it is a breathing treatment that will numb your mouth and throat making it easier for the tube to pass through. The treatment has lidocaine in it to numb your throat. (UUUMMMM did I mention that since I developed parkinsons my gag reflex resistence is less than nothing???? I have had the dentist accidentally let some of the numbing meds slide down my throat and I start gaging and coughing and wretching. Well give it a try anyway they say. OH MY GOD THIS STUFF TASTES HORRIBLE BITTER AND JUST PLAIN NASTY. But worse still soon as my throat begins to go numb gag choak gasp wretch cough (I did try honest I did) well that is ok they say we will have the doctor give you more "happy juice" so you will sleep through the procedure. (UUMMMM OK that sounds good but did I happen to mention that most narcotics will infact make my body very sleepy and uncoordinated while they leave my mind very clear and I am very aware of what is going on around me?) Well we will just give you more. (sigh this is so not going to go well).

7. OK here is the sleepy meds coming your way. UUUMMM Vicki are you getting sleepy yet. No not really. HHHHMMMM Oh maybe it has something to do with the blood pressure monitor being on the same arm as the iv the meds can not enter your system lets change arms. (sigh I just know this is not going to go well)

8. OK vicki are you starting to get sleepy? well my eyes will not focus but I am still very aware of what is going on. OH thats ok that will go away soon. Now open your mouth so the doctor can spray this numbing spray into your throat. UUUMM ok but if the vapors made me gag this spray will too. Oh that is ok just 2 little sprays (squirt) gag choke gasp ok one more (squirt) gag coke gasp wretch ok now just two more. Now wait just a cotton picking (squirt) gag choke gasp wretch cough heave shit!!!.

9. OK now bite down on this circle it has a hole in the center so the doctor can insert the tube down your throat and you dont bite the tube (or us was left unsaid but clearly meant as well). OK here comes the tube as the doctor goes along he will spray (squirt) gasp choke gag more of the numbing meds (squirt) gag wretch heave choke down your throat.

10 OK vicki you are doing very well we are almost done (squirt) gag gasp choke wheeze wretch heave. now try to keep you head back (squirt) gag gag heave wretch thats it vicki you are doing very well (squirt) gag heave wretch try and keep your head back now. choke gasp its ok we are almost done breathe vicki breathe (I wanted to scream that I could not breathe and that was the whole fuckin problem but I have this circle with the hole in the center stuck in my mouth not to mention the tube down my throat and into my airway and about 4 pairs of hands in my mouth. Oh my mistake 2 pairs of hands were in my mouth the other two pairs was holding my head down on the gurnney. There is something wrong I can not absolutely can not breathe.

11. OK vicki we are giving you more medicine now don't worry we are almost done (by now I am starting to wise up if they were almost done they would in fact not be giving me more happy fuckin juice) (squirt) gag choke wretch heave its ok vicki we are almost done you are doing great. Oh yes I am doing wonderfully well with the sweat pouring off my body the tears streaming down my face and the snot gushing from my nose.

12. I found out later after the proceedure was over why it was I could not breathe. The doctor had squirted saline solution into my lung swirled it around to mix it up nice and then vacumed it out. This was so the lab could grow a sample and they could find out exactly what it is in my lung. "HELLO IS ANYONE THE FUCK HOME???? DO YOU PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THAT WATER AND LUNGS ARE NOT A GOOD COMBINATION?????" no wonder I could not breathe.

13. But I got even yes I most certainly did. They had ended up giving me so much of the happy juice that my blood pressure dropped to 80/50 and even tho I had oxygen going up my nose from a tube my oxygen saturation level dropped to 60 (it is suppose to remain in the 90"s) LOL UM OK her bp is bottoming out her oxygen saturation is 60 and falling OK vicki I need you to take deep breaths nice deep breaths thats it now breathe vicki breathe. Yep problem child vicki strikes again I think the nurses believe me now yes I think they surely do.

Yep I showed them alright (snickers) even tho I have slept all day and it has been several hours since the procedure every time I cough (which is very often) I have that horrible bitter taste in my mouth. brushing the mouth has not helped it is coming from my throat. YUCK!!!!!!

AH ta hell with it I am going back to bed night all you may hear from me tomarrow you may not. Sigh I just hate being right all the time and when it comes to things that can and will and do go wrong during my "medical procedures" I am always 110 percent right.